Bigger than me

I went for a walk on the boardwalk recently with a friend of mine. It was very enjoyable as always. Crowded yet quiet. A surf competition was being set up for. Ohhh how I would love to be out there with my board! (I can't surf :) )

There is something so peaceful and calming about the beach, for me. I L-O-V-E the beach. Day or night, whether I'm sitting on the sand or the boardwalk, I just love to stare at it and reflect. It's my spot for occasional meditation, reflection, introspection, unwinding, decompression; the list can go on. But apparently I'm not alone. The more I tell this to people the more they tell me they, too, love the beach (but not as much as me of course). So this got me thinking about why? A few ideas popped up, but nothing really went deep enough so as not to lead to more "whys." Finally, I arrived at an answer I feel encompasses all aspects of not only why I love the beach, but why I am mesmerized by most parts of nature (earth, wind, fire- no not the music group, the actual elements of nature).

All 4 'types' of nature- earth, wind, fire and water- are each very powerful physical forces within themselves. Fire- pretty self explanatory; Wind- just take Hurricane Irene's impact on the East Coast of the U.S. for example, a few million people were without power, many for days on end; Water- again the flooding in the aftermath of Irene can serve as an example, or the Tsunami in Thailand, either way we see the power water has; lastly Earth- take the earthquake in Haiti or Japan, or the more recent one in Virginia (which b"H did not have as disastrous effects, but still left many people concerned). Each facet of nature is so powerful in its own right. Powerful enough to sweep houses away, flood streets, knock down trees, rip apart highways and landscapes, decimate forests. I think that on a level below (or maybe above, depending on your perspective I guess) our conscious thought, sitting, watching and reflecting on any or all of these entities gives us a smidge of perspective on the Almighty, which is an apropos name of His to use here I think. When I look at the ocean and hear the waves crashing on the shore every few seconds, or when I walk along the boardwalk and feel the wind blowing through my hair or even at times pushing my body from side to side, on some level this makes me think of HKB"H and how unbelievably powerful (all powerful I might add) He is. We can take this just one small step further and add that one thing (of the many) included in being Omnipotent (a fancy word for all-powerful) is His having control over each one of these beautiful parts of nature that I mentioned. He rules the ocean, the wind, the earth and fire. All of these are like little paintbrushes in His hand, as it were. He is the conductor composing a masterpiece of a symphony, the likes of which Beethoven or Mozart, Bach or Schumann has never and will never hear. (I told you I loved music too right?)

While all of this has the potential to be quite overwhelming, there is a part of it that is so reassuring and calming as well. Sort of like the ocean- calm, yet mighty and strong. He runs the world. He's got it all under control which gives me the ability to sit back a bit and enjoy the view. Of course I must be involved in my own life. Things don't just happen if I don't make some sort of effort, but ultimately He has the paintbrush of my life and your life and the entire world!

Funny how I'm writing this as it is pouring outside and I can hear the raindrops pelting my roof. Coincidence?

Decisions Decisions Decisions....

You know the script: go through high school, head off to Israel, return to America with all your new knowledge of Yiddishkeit, start college, wait a bit  and then start dating. Meet and marry a nice young man who doesn't have much of a plan other than to learn for a bit and then figures he'll go into chinuch or maybe social work (not that there is anything wrong with either of those professions, I believe they're both very respectable). After you get married you move off to Israel for a year to ~insert Americanish community here~. Then you return and settle somewhere in the states, most likely NY near the yeshiva where he'll be learning, and you'll go back to school for teaching(maybe)/insert therapy here. [This process can be reversed from the guy's perspective.]

Again, I have nothing against the above mentioned jobs, communities or practices. The part that I take issue with is that we all do the same thing! Who said that this was the way to be 'frum'? Who said that this was the way it's supposed to be? Why do we feel the need to follow the same 'script'? Simply following the script is not what we are meant to be doing. I like to look at the world around me for help to understand things that sometimes don't make sense. My parents and their contemporaries grew up in the 60s and 70s. [A few generations in which, despite its downfalls, I have grown to respect.] When I think of these years, I think of free minds, making choices, standing up for what one believes in. It was all about breaking free of what society told you to be and do. And if you look at the way these people have raised their children, they've raised them to also think for themselves, make decision about who they want to be, how they want to live their lives. And so, in a family of 7 kids, maybe a couple are modern, 1 or 2 a bit more secular, another super chassidish, one living in Tzfas, and another as litvish as they come. That's beautiful! HKB"H never meant for us all to be the same. And you know what, each of these kids are as happy as could be. Each serving G-d in the most appropriate way for themselves. [This is not an actual family, thought it may be based on a mixture of some I know]. I can think of any number of families in which there is a similar situation, all with parents who grew up in the 60s and 70s. It is much too early to tell for my generation, but I can say that so far, my 'peeps' have already been described as a generation who takes no responsibility, who expects things to be done for them and feels it has things coming to them and who would rather do as little work as possible. So, I guess it should be of little shock that my generation are the ones to follow the 'script'. But, I do not think this is what Hashem wants of us.

ובחרת בחיים , the Torah tells us in Devarim. "Choose life." Ok great, what does that mean? Based on some of my own thoughts, but mostly thoughts and a shiur that are not my own: What we are supposed to choose is not very hard to determine. We are supposed to be trying to build our relationship with HKB"H. So, in His goodness, He gave us the Torah, an instruction book for life. We use (or should use) it then to guide our decision making process. But this is not crux what is wanted of us. The pasuk says ובחרת בחיים not את החיים .  The goal is not for us to choose life, it is for us to choose. So long as we are using Torah as our guide, we can be assured that we are on the right path, but that path must include our making our own decisions and NOT just falling in line and following the script that was given to us by parents, family, community, school system, society etc etc etc.

I am not someone special who has any significant ability to give out berachas, but it seems like a good way to end this piece: I give us all a beracha that we develop ourselves to know who we are and to make our own decisions so that we can all one day claim to have made a life of avodas Hashem that is all our own, because after all, in the end of days (after 120) all we really have is our choices. Hashem should lead us down the correct paths, and we should cling to him for that guidance.

Am I alone out here??

About a week ago I heard a story that made such an impression on me, and has run so deep that I'm pretty sure I've thought about it everyday since. It goes like this (it is true)

There was a young man who was blind. He would walk every day to school with the help of his mother to guide his way. Towards the end of the school year (after having completed this walk every single school day) he wanted to be able to walk to school by himself, without his mother. After lots of discussion and convincing, his mother finally gave in. The next day, the young man got dressed, packed his bags, said good-bye to his mother at home and began his walk to school. He walked through the gates to the school yard and approached the entrance by the security guard. As he passed by, the security guard said to the boy "Well good morning John, looking sharp today!" followed by, "And good morning to you Mrs. Schwartz." Immediately the boy spun around, "MMMooomm!!!" as he heard the sounds of a bicycle zoom away.

Like John, in the story, we too are never alone. No matter what sad, dark and lonely state we may be in, lonely does not equal alone. Our Father in Heaven is always together with us, both in our joys and our struggles. It is at the point when we feel we are alone, that is when we are in a harder place, because then we don't even feel as if the Abishter is with us. Though HKB"H is with us always, we feel particularly lonely during the hard times, which is understandable. But it is exactly during those times that we are being prodded to connect with, talk to and develop our relationship with Him.  All He wants is to hear from us, His children.

The well known 'footprints in the sand' poem captures this idea profoundly.
And this shiur by R' Leib Kelemen is a nice personal touch...

In considering material for my next post, I would like to publicize a blog belonging to a well-written, deep, thought filled yid: www.deficitofattention.com
His articles are lengthy, but entertaining, interesting and thought provoking...

Intangible Power of Music

A holy melody has the power to bring one to the level of prophecy. Music is the foundation of true attachment to God. (Rebbe Nachman of Breslov)


Today, I had an epiphany of sorts. Well, not really, just more of a feeling, about the power music has over us. First of all, I must mention: I L-O-V-E music. It can be (almost) any genre. When I turn on the music, there's an almost immediate connection to my soul. I can't really explain it. Some songs go deeper than others, but all leave their mark. [With the exception of rap, hip hop and most pop which I will admit, with somewhat reddened cheeks, that I did like at one point during my journey of life].
So...ever experience that feeling when you turn on the radio/ipod/CD/etc and all of a sudden you're transported?! I happen to get this feeling a lot. [no, it is not drug induced] The other day, it just made such a profound impact on me. I happened to have been having one of those really yuck, bad days. Everything upset me. I pushed the play button and some instrumental guitar piece came on. There weren't even any words, the artist didn't even have to tell me how to feel with his lyrics. The music did all the talking. I closed my eyes and let my being experience the music and suddenly my face broke out in a smile and I felt like some weight was lifted off my shoulders. [Mind you, I was driving, so I had to make sure I was somewhat grounded, unfortunately for my experience, but fortunately for my fellow drivers] When I landed back on earth I started pondering: what is it about music that allows it to connect so deeply to our neshama, soul, and take us to such great places [it also can take us to not such great places which is why we need to be very careful with what we listen to] and move us is such deeply spiritual ways....

Judaism is no stranger to song. It is all over the Torah- Shiras haYam (there are 2), the song of Haazinu, Shiras Dvora. In shacharis davening we have a whole slew of songs we sing, which are conveniently termed: פסוקי דזמרה = passages of song. Those of us who have had experiences with chassidus know that music is a fairly central part of the movement. There is almost always a tisch with singing on Friday nights in addition to nights of certain holidays and other major events in the Jewish calendar. It is simple; like English or Hebrew or French or Portuguese is the language of the mind and body, music is the language of the soul. It is why when, in the Torah, there was a major event (splitting of the sea, overcoming a threatening enemy), כלל ישראל burst into song. It's why when we feel particularly good or bad about something, we express it in song. And it is why, when I was having a bad day and my neshama was so badly hurting, the only thing to pull me out of it was song.

I really prefer not to go on a rant about English vs. Jewish music. I will say that the thoughts and feelings of composers and songwriters are tightly woven into each song they write, and therefore, we as guardians of our neshamos, must be careful with what we listen to. What we let enter our ears, also then enters our souls...  I will also say that for me it makes a HUGE difference whether the song was composed by the person singing it or composed by someone else and the guy with the good voice was told to sing the song. There is a profound difference in the effect a song has when it is sung by the composer as a tefilla, prayer, versus when it is just sung by someone with little to no connection to the actual composition.


Sons and Daughters of the King, turn up the volume, and let your souls flyyyy



p.s.  I will not get into specifics of artists here. For artists I enjoy you can email me...  I do not necessarily have a problem with all Engish/secular music and I am frum and still (what?!) listen to select artists of the secular music industry.

What's MY hashkafa? Who Cares...

Often discussed in the dating/shidduch scene... "so what would you describe your hashkafa as?" "what kind of boy are you looking for?" "hashkafically, where do you fit in" Basically all these questions are asking is: Hat or no hat? TV or no TV? Jeans? Kakhis? Tights? ....forgive me, but I think this is all quite meaningless. Is it important to determine whether you want a TV in your home? Absolutely! That will most definitely dictate what kind of guy or girl you date and what kind of home you lead...actually, I think it's probably the most (and only?) substantial question I listed above, but still, pretty much meaningless as far as hashkafa goes.
(An idea originally heard from R' Leib Kelemen) Hashkafa was not given over at Har Sinai. The only thing given to us, as yidden, at  מתן תורה was the Torah itself (Halacha). Any so-called hashkafa must be first fully based in halacha, and if it is not, then that hashkafa can be considered FALSE! I'm not hear to fight the whole labeling thing. While I don't like it, it isn't changing. The world works better when things can be boxed up and shipped out, with clearly delineated lines. The fact that most of us, especially those who have gone the BT route and have experienced the multi-faceted range of frumkeit, don't fit these boxes does make things difficult. But it's up to each person individually to establish his (or her) hashkafa as deeply personal and firmly rooted in halacha. When you're following halacha, you're following d'var Hashem, and not much can go wrong when you take that route.

Numero Uno

So here's some background. I'm a frum twenty-something girl living on the East Coast, trying to make sense of my life and the world. [Usually in that order, but sometimes I get a little crazy]. I've got lots of thoughts running through my head all trying to get out, so I chose to share them here. Feel free to agree; or disagree. These are my thoughts, and you're entitled to your own as well. I am single, and as such, many of my posts and thoughts relate to how I am trying (quite hard mind you) to make the best of my situation. I am neither "modern" nor "yeshivish", "chassidish" nor "litvish". My posts may reflect any and all of these so-called hashkafos. Don't talk to me about boxes. I do not like them. What am I? A frum yid trying to follow HaShem's laws in the best way possible for myself and for the world around me.

The title: a common theme of my life recently- I'm trying to make my way up; closer to HaShem; up and out of the frustrations of my life as is. I don't think that moving my way from one nisayon to the next is quite helpful (which is how I feel it's been going for a while) if I'm hanging out at the same relative 'level'. I much prefer, ideally, to move upward from one to the next. This is the only way they can take on more meaning and I'm experiencing them the way the Holy One intended them-- as vehicles for our own growth. Still, I can't say I'm always successful.

These posts will most definitely not be anything regular. They might be my observations, own ideas or things I've heard/read and want to share.

Enjoy

...moving on up...